I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
