The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
