please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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