My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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