I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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