Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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