I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So much rum. So many feels.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
