she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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