I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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