I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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