Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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