My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
