I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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