Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
