Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
