I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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