anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
