I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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