im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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