Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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