hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
