i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
