I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Randomize
