I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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