So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
