: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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