i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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