An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
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You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.