dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
