when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
