the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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