what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches