i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Even my vagina gasped.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring