I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.