My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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