I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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