How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
