Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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