drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Your mouth is God's brothel.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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