Don't make out with my wife yet
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
