1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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