just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
