she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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