moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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