I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
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He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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