this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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