he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
