You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
