If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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