i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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