FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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