After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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