Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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