So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
