No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
