You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
