I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
