Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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